Concentration!

MVI_7749

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Let me take a picture of you thinking about sex- the physical, detailed act. Okay go.

I love how similar their expressions and level of contraction is. Focused dreaminess.

Around and Around

I’ve got the ho-hums today. Not sure what to make of it. Feel it. Don’t resist it. Know that I will feel differently down the road. But yuck right now!

Faces of Sarah

The many moods of my dear friend Sarah.

She will love that I did this.

Silver Falls, Golden Girl

On Wednesday, Sarah Hendrickson and I finally hung out. Just the two of us and it was just as fun as we suspected. Laced up and packing a ton of food, we hiked Silver Falls: a state park outside of Salem that offers 10 waterfalls in a 9 mile loop. These waterfalls are so full of character! One was a chubby boy, another a decorated, wishful woman. The last one was angry. An angry, violent, ruinous fall that punished repeatedly the boulders below. Barely able to speak over the roar, water spraying our faces, we stood and smiled.

It feels good to feel strong.

Visionary

The first time around- buying and rebuilding and expanding a piece of property. Josh was a confidant young man. At the age of 23 he purchased a large lot with two small cabins. One structure was inhabitable, having been remodeled in the seventies. The other structure was not. It had not been occupied for decades and was basically a scary, dark, barren shack with very few windows, and in complete disrepair. This was our future home and Josh set in on putting the old house back together. He had help. His friends moved into the livable  house and the trailer in the back and everyone got to work. Out came the concrete, in went the fruit trees. Out came the moldy back room, in went a high roof beam and lofted bedroom. In came the chickens, in came the dinner parties, in came the mound of compost as big as a whale. In came joy, focus, love and a lifelong project. Am I that brave? Could I also create such a thing?

Moskovitz Designs

Tonight’s class was really fun. I am teaching intermediate sewing this semester- Tuesday nights 6pm – 9pm. What a great group of girls, and I knew this the moment I saw them piled in the hallway that first night, waiting for their teacher to let them in. Cute, stylish, enthusiastic, and inspiring to me. I like their ideas- untainted by the needs of the customer, the concern of the boutique, or the scary economic ups and downs that come with running a business. They just feel and know and make. Take dear Sara here… those shoulders were obviously not part of the pattern I provided. But they are awesome! And a twist that turns my pattern into a dress of her own.

Okay Now

Hi. I just wanted to say that I do indeed feel better today. I feel just fine. And my heart seems to have returned to its normal size.

Hunting

Okay, I am going to buy a house in Portland. For three reasons. One, I am ready to invest; to nest, raise animals, grow food, and maybe have a child- I am ready to create a home. Two, if ever one was going to buy property, now is the time. And three, I am buying it in Portland because I live here now. And because number one and two are happening now, and Portland is happening now, Portland wins. I still possess general misgivings about this city but for the next five years?, it is just right.

Last week Kenya and I checked out a cute but generic little house on a busy street. The selling point was its backyard – a double lot stretching back 150 feet, grassy and flat. I want to live communally but in separate dwellings ala The Compound so a large chunk of land where I can build studios and cabins is necessary.

I don’t think that house is decrepit enough for me and my stuff. I want us to match.

Why

This again. Sitting and thumbing through my workbook and sighing. Shallow breathing and I only look at the pages a second before turning toward the window and noticing the crows and wishing I was a crow and catching myself in the mirror and surpassing and falling short and sipping my coffee and still feeling hung over in the tummy and wondering, why not love?

Today is Monday and my heart is tired. Small. Maybe tomorrow it will feel better.

Faces of Polly

The many faces of my beautiful friend Polly.

She will hate that I did this.

Heart

(jean-phillipe delhomme)

My latest obsession,… the beautiful, funny, clever, stylish, FRENCH!, silly, exciting Garance Dore: illustrator, photographer, world traveler, and aesthetic genius. http://www.garancedore.fr/en/

Intentional

I like the way she is sitting. Precisely. Her legs are crossed right there. Her hand, yes that is the exact spot for it. And the pen, held just so, tip to paper. She does not believe in accidents.

Rest Assured

I hope I have not worried anyone that all this grieving is over Bello. Rest assured, he is not only happy and loved, he is healthy! His tumors are smaller than they were a month ago and some have dissappeared all together. I am not asking too many questions, all I know is he appears to be sticking around.

Step 1

The grieving process: Denial. Anger. Depression. I was told these were the stages to expect. Supposedly depression is a good thing and means the grieving process is wrapping up.

Instead I find: Denial. Sadness. Depression. Acceptance. Desire. Hope,… Everything happened so suddenly and unexpectedly that it stills feels like a mistake or a dream…oh, right, that is denial. Sadness that we actually did break up. Depression that feels flat and bleak. And then slowly, acceptance that everything is as it should be.

But still, I miss my friend.

Some days

are harder than others.

The Capitol

Washington D.C. is now on the tour! Thanks to Sarah out in Virginia. I was hoping that stop would make the list.

Where else?…

Friends of Filly Tour Sign Up

So far we have West Coast confirmations for Bellingham (Annie!), Seattle (Rebecca!), Portland (Me!), Arcata (Jamie?), San Francisco (Christine!), Santa Cruz (Holly!), …

East Coast- New Hampshire (Heidi!), Providence (Kate!?), and a few others possibly…Amelie, you are where now?

and then what, where, to whom?…

Is this possible?

Holly and Jeff

Guys, I miss you too. And I am drinking real cream now!

There are few examples of “perfect matches” out there. These two are an inspiration… love; true, compatible, authentic, well-matched love, can be had. And when you are lucky enough to find it, inhale deeply and be thankful.

Retreat

(the door leads to my design studio in what was originally the nursery)

All I want to do is be alone in my room. Get under the covers and read. Fold laundry. Sit on the edge of the sink and soak my feet. Write in my journal so that the same thoughts stop going around and around in my head. Clean off surfaces. Re-measure Bello’s tumors (so much smaller!). Lay with my head turned toward the window watching the grey sky, the dusk, the dark.

Discovery

I am single-minded. When I like something, look out. As a kid that meant raisins, apple juice and mozzarella cheese. All the time. Recently it has been the Melanie record. And peppermint tea. And turquoise earings (they always look good!). My Dad is the same way and I have shamelessly given him shit for his ceramic pot obsession and the damn rugs covering every inch of floor and wall.

On my way to ceramics class this morning I reached for an overcoat- you know, something lighter colored so as not to show the clay dust… And apparently, red and blue need to be added to the , “Okay, that’s enough” column. You can’t even see the remaining three hooks- and some of these hooks are two or three items deep! It’s a problem!

1 Year Anniversary

(unpacking, January 16th, 2009)

Fuck, what this woman can do in a year! Oh Sarah, you are flying! The future abounds!

Friends of Filly

It started with my very first collection. The store orders had gone out but there were still the overcuts of each style, all stacked in boxes and crowding the house. “Oooh, I love this one…” “Oh Emilyn, you  should just try it on, it would look so good on you…” and before long this tradition of trying on the overcuts became a celebrated event.

Each season, my friends, and friends of my friends, and eventually just friends of Filly get together and try everything on. How fun! How comfortable! How unusual to “shop” this way. And ultimately, how satisfying for all of us: I get an opportunity to meet my customers and see the clothes on bodies! They get to meet the person who made the clothing and access to every style and color. We call it Friends of Filly and it is now the most rewarding part of my job- an intimate gathering of Filly faithfuls and a really good time (chocolate, tea, and naked bods!)

If Kenya…

For some reason, I think this is what my friend Jeff would dress like if Kenya were in charge. She would have made those amazing pants and she would have found that jacket at the bins. And she would have been appalled that he wore it all at the same time.

Gratitude

I know this much: no matter how shitty I feel, how uninspired and depressed, I can not be sad when I am out in nature. Red-Tailed Hawk overhead, decomposing Dragonfly wings stuck to the kayak, the early morning sun trickling through the cloud overlay…  these are such powerful reminders of how small my troubles are compared to the brazen beauty of the world I live in. And I feel stronger and more and more ready for all that is available to me.

Needed

What would I do without Sarah? She is the one that cooks with me while I cry into the soup. She is the one I can repeat myself to while I try to understand. I am sad and longing, missing and regretting and she is patient and wise and filled to the brim with life. I look at her, singing disco and fantasizing about a young Harrison Ford and I want to catapult to the future where I too will feel that good.