February 27, 2010
I just got my profit and loss report for 2009. Tough year. I clearly made less money overall. But surprisingly, and thankfully, profit was basically the same. I received fewer orders but in return I produced fewer orders so all in all, I maintained the status quo. The most surprising element of the P&L report was the whole profit thing in general. Where is it? Oh, right, food. Food is the one extra curricular activity that I don’t either trade or scavenge for. And I eat a lot. And I eat well. And apparently I eat a whole year’s worth of profit right up.
February 26, 2010
I forget that I am already the woman I fantasize about being. I already live in Oregon. I already have canned pears and pickled beans on the shelf. I already hike in sturdy little Vasque leather boots and a rust colored down jacket. My hair is already braided. I already eat broccoli and sweet potato. I already practice yoga. I already sculpt with clay. I already dance to Fleetwood Mac’s Monday Morning. I already have a quilt on my bed, a dog at my feet, a bicycle at the ready. I am 36. I was raised on Sixteen Candles and Bongo jeans, wave bangs, frosted lipstick, and volleyball. Can I be happy now? Can I be still? The life I want is already here.
February 25, 2010
Mary and I started to watch a movie last night but ended up talking instead. And we realized that there is a romantic element in women that perhaps does not exist in men… I know, totally incorrect gender politics and a broad generalization but honestly, this is what nighttime, couch time, girl time sounds like. We realized that we are always romanticizing someone. Always. A name is always at the ready. Even if we have been single for years and have not met anyone notable in all that time- it will be the last boyfriend in that case. Or even if we are casually dating someone who is not “the one” or even “the one for now”, he is still the one to analyze, wish had called, emailed or texted. The need for someone to think about is so strong that it outweighs the actual subject. Who he is does not matter so much. Because the alternative- no one in the slot- is much worse. It is so unbearably flat, boring, bleak, lonely, that we are willing to let anyone fill the void. Fine. He’ll do. But he is only a place holder so don’t be dissappointed when he does not meet your needs or provide fulfillment. Reserve your big feelings for actual, tangible, physical, consuming love. In the meantime, thank the place holder for keeping the seat warm.
And boys… maybe don’t do this? Boys can just wake up and go about their day and go to sleep without a deep sigh and at least some reference in that night’s journal entry? And if this is the case, that explains a lot.
February 24, 2010
I read recently that your home is the greatest indicator of your personality. Far more accurate and telling than what you wear, say, or do. Its size gives it a permanence that can not be adapted to meet the perceived needs of the viewer. There is no chance to quickly run around and change all of your furniture, wall paint, knickknacks, and dishware because Bob is coming to dinner instead of your parents.
Everything I need to know about a potential sweetie is revealed just by looking at his room.
I am having a personal crisis of sorts. A crisis of the personality. Home means more to me than anything else- career, partner, fun… these all pale next to the idea of a house. But to choose a house means defining myself and although it might appear that I have no fear of settling, I do. I dearly do.
My only hope, and Kenya assures me this will be the case, is that I will know it when I see it. Right now I don’t have answers, only worries.
February 23, 2010
I have one sibling and I adore her. Natalie. You could say I am obsessed. I want to talk to her everyday. I need her opinion on everything. I consider her to be the greatest beauty. She is intelligent, educated, emotional, flawed, and perfect. And her daughter, Echo held a conversation between Joe, a physically-challenged GI Joe, and a white plastic unicorn. It went like this:
Unicorn: What kind of person are you JOE!!?? What kind of person ARE you? (angry)
Joe: Well, I’m a cocker. I’m a cocker didn’t you know. (deep voice, perfectly calm)
Unicorn: No I don’t know. And I don’t want to know! (livid)
Joe: Then don’t know. (slightly peeved)
(Unicorn stomps off)
Unicorn: Actually I DO want to know.
Joe: Ok…I’m a cocker.
February 22, 2010
This is not Portland weather. Took Friday off and drove west. Toward the ocean, toward the coastal range, into Tillamook State Forrest. There Sarah and I hiked, summited I should say, King’s Mountain. At the top we were met by two old Sierra Club type gentlemen eating a packed lunch. “You made it!’ they greeted in unison. There was perhaps even a raised fist involved. And to make the moment even more satisfying, we discovered a log and an invitation to please sign in. I recorded the fact that I stabbed my eye with my walking stick and had to scramble a bit of the way with monocular vision but made it to the top nonetheless. Oh accomplishments.
February 21, 2010
I love living communally. I love having people around: the sound of voices, laughter, shared coffee, reading silently side by side, outfit commentary, analysis of last night, crush strategy, business ideas, … it goes on and on.
Polly and Maggie understanding it all in the nook. I take such deep pleasure in seeing them there and having them near me.
February 18, 2010
My dear friend James was photographed on the street by Urban Weeds- a style blog based here in Portland. James and Filly go way back. The first time I saw her was at Ritual Cafe in San Francisco. YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN I HAVE EVER SEEN! Nice to meet you James. I asked her to model the Spring 2008 line but really I just wanted to get to know her. A bit later we both found ourselves in Portland and again I asked her to model, this time for Fall 2009. She represents Filly better than anyone. But really, I just wanted an excuse to call her up and make her my friend.
February 17, 2010
February 16, 2010
February 10, 2010
This woman takes Valentines Day seriously. My first adult valentine came from her. It was a tracing-paper heart with the typed words, “I’m glad I know you”. I might still have it. Every February she hosts an all day Valentine making party but because she now lives in Boston, we decided to throw our own. Why not invest in the day of love? Embrace it, pull it close, define it for yourself as a medium-sized paper bag heart with colored-pencil decorations….
February 10, 2010
February 8, 2010
February 7, 2010
Bell and I got an early start. I even gave him a quarter of an arthritis pain pill to help him enjoy himself. With a full thermos of coffee, a book , and my journal we set off for the Skidmore Bluff at sunrise. One bench was already occupied by a middle-aged lady rehearsing her lines so we took the makeshift bench to the right.
The day emerged. Grey and wet. It felt good to insert something new into my routine. And so pleasing to pour myself a little mug of coffee over and over again.
February 5, 2010
So this week I learned that I don’t change outfits very often. At night I remove what I’m wearing and place it on my sweater pile, only to put the same items back on, in the same order, the next day. I actually had not realized this. The other lesson of the week was that it is embarrassing to put a picture of yourself up day after day. What an idiot! I would hate me.
Tonight was Carson’s birthday party and Kenya threw him a It’s 1981, Come Dance! Party.
Did I mention I feel happy?
February 4, 2010
My horoscope: Notice in the next five months your thinking becomes happy, optimistic and makes sense of previous life questions and behaviors of others. You will shift from vague criticism and cynicisms to realizing intentions for goodwill bring grace and goodness to all interactions. You’ll realize everyone’s doing their very best and then help others who’ve lost their way. Begin writing (journaling, blogging) in earnest. You have something important to say.
I couldn’t find my journal last night so I woke up without a sense of my day. No To-Do list already thought out. So hey, I got up. I went through the motions of a morning. I cut out a pattern. I walked to the store for nothing much. And now I am alone in the studio with fabric pieces staring at me, “Please put me together.” I am putting myself together after a tough week. Just more of the same really. I am sensitive and my feelings get hurt. Which is not fair to anyone. So here you go self,…do you want to go to yoga at 5:30 and then down to First Thursday with Yellow Sarah? Would you like that? Yes I would.
February 3, 2010
February 2, 2010
I am going to keep track of what I do each day this week and how I feel inside. Okay. Today.
Well, I went to bed last night feeling shitty. I think it had to do with the PSU art lecture by George Kuchar. I liked his personal shorts but his feature-length, student collaborations made me want to kill someone. When I got to the dinner party I ate three pieces of cake to feel better and I don’t eat wheat so I felt much worse. And other stuff last night caused me to fall asleep with heavy sadness and wake with dull heartache. Not the best start.
Rose at 7:30 and immediately got dressed. Sometimes I keep the pajama uniform on for a bit while I feed Bello, collect eggs, start the coffee and do yoga. Walked to Albina Press and journaled. Biked to a yoga class (I have $100 in trade at People’s Yoga), and now here I am, second cup of coffee in hand and a big jar of pep tea. I’m going to sew another Spring 2010 sample, walk to the grocery store at 3pm, and drive to my class at PCC tonight where we will sew assignment #2- high-waisted, side zip trouser. When I get home I’ll have to finish up the sample before going to bed.
I don’t feel happy today. I feel remote. Lets see if that changes by bedtime… and what event, mood, epiphany will cause the shift.
February 1, 2010
My Monday- up at 8am. Walk Bello. Coffee and catch up with Sarah in the kitchen. Email. Sew the sew samples for Spring 2010 production. Phone meeting with my rep Rayah at 11:30. More sewing. Lunch of fennel, celriac root, leek soup. Walk Bello to Mary’s house and drop off a dress. More sewing. Yoga at People’s Yoga at 5:30. Snack. Bike down to the free art lecture at PSU at 7:30 with Sarah. Stop in for the tail end of a friend’s birthday dinner. Home. Finish sewing. Night routine and bed.