Not Older, Just An Age

November 22, 2011

(Santa Cruz, 2005 and Portland, 2011)

When I graduated from high school I suddenly felt very grown up. I remember sitting in a particularly challenging college history class and saying under my breath, swiftly, with steam, I want to get the fuck out of here and marry Jose. I just want to be a wife and a mom! And I can! I can do whatever I want now. That was a surge. Biology was pushing me forward to the next stage. And even though I didn”t marry Jose, I didn’t have his child, I did find myself at the next level. I could do whatever I wanted… I was out of childhood, but where was I? Surge, readjust, surge, readjust.
We see kids growing in spurts. They experience rapid and sudden changes in height, weight and shape, like a cartoon character. I see myself aging in the same way. I surge forward…led by biology and followed by shifts in identity. And then I spend the next number of years readjusting to my new place in time. Slowly making my way forward.
I have recently felt a surge. Forward I go. Toward a house that I already love. Toward a town that has given so much. I even suddenly look different. More and more like a woman. Like Debra Winger. Unapologetically so. This is the difference. I am here, on this plane, at this age, in these circumstances, this body, this face. I wasn’t here before. I’m here now.

One Response to “Not Older, Just An Age”

  1. marcela said

    lovely. feeling just the same.
    hugs from argentina.

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