Looking For The Way

April 22, 2012

I am so stuck. In so many ways. Thursday afternoon I picked up my happy, healthy car from the mechanic. It was ready for the long drive north. After a teary goodbye to Josh, I loaded Bello, three bikes and a few odds and ends from Josh’s house and headed up the hill to my Dad’s to pack and get ready to leave early the next morning. My thoughts were on closure and transition and what lay ahead in Portland. These thoughts were rudely and aggressively interrupted when my car started bucking and stalling like it was having a seizure. I barely made it back to the mechanic where they told me what I already knew. The transmission was fried and my car was dead.
Friday and Saturday are like a dream where weeks are packed into a number of hours. I was a chicken with her head cut off. I ran in every direction searching for the answer. And every path led to a dead end. U-haul, rent-a-car, ride-share, buy-a-car, beg-a-friend, oh-my-God-I’m-stuck.
I’m stuck. I can’t move. I’m stuck.
My horoscope this week told me I have opened every door but one. The forbidden one. The last, dark, terrifying door. But that the old taboo about not tempting fate is passe and that I should just open the damn thing. The only thing I stand to lose is an attachment I fear to lose.

I say it now, I say it loud… I am ready to walk through that door… if only I can find it.

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